1 - I was born April 19th which this year shares the new Winds of Plague album, as well as the newest Mortal Kombat.
2 - My favorite color is now grey, a learned liking from an ex. All shades of grey are awesome.
3 - I love the RPG genre of videogames. FF6 and Chrono Trigger are my two 2, EVER.
4 - I have never watched, start to finish, one Star Wars movie.
5 - I have really sick humor. It consists of bad tastes and thick skin.
6 - I prefer having girl friends over guy friends.
7 - I come off as a dick, but for those that matter to me, I can be the sweetest guy ever. Can be, not will be.
8 - You're and Your. My biggest pet peeve is it's misuse.
9 - I have high expectations of my friends, which explains my dickishness. I know they can do better, but sometimes, they don't. That annoys me.
10 - I give better words of advice and praise than I take. I suck at applying myself.
11 - I like being a selfless guy, but I'm starting to see how it can hold me back.
12 - I prefer quality of friendship than quantity. Sadly, I understand the dynamic and necessity of 'friendship/acquaintances.'
13 - I love trolling and getting a rise out of people.
14 - I also love pushing boundaries and buttons. I see how pissed I can get someone just to see if I can do it.
15 - I only apply myself when it comes to cynicism and anything of that sort. It is, sadistically, fun for me.
16 - A word that, I feel, truly suits me is German - Schadenfreude. In English, its not as cool - epicaricacy.
17 - I've dislocated my right leg during high school, permanently ending my hackie sack career.
18 - I don't think I've really grown since 2005, spiritually, intellectually nor emotionally.
19 - I miss my brothers and sisters, but I don't tell them that. Well, Turbo knows at least.
20 - I never go out of my way to be spiteful, it is always conveniently en route.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Better late than never, better never late.
Stolen from a friend, (Hey Krista_K!) I’ve decided to do the following list for the next thirty days. I challenge you to do the same.
Day 01 – A picture of yourself with 20 facts.
Day 02 – A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 – A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 – A picture of your night.
Day 05 – A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 – A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 – A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 – A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 – A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 – A picture of the person you do the most outrageous things with.
Day 11 – A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 – A picture of something you love.
Day 13 – A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 – A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 – A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 – A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 – A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 – A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 – A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 – A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.
Day 21 – A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 – A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 – A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 – A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 – A picture of your day.
Day 26 – A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 – A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 – A picture of something you’re afraid of.
Day 29 – A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 – A picture of someone you miss.
Day 01 – A picture of yourself with 20 facts.
Day 02 – A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 – A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 – A picture of your night.
Day 05 – A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 – A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 – A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 – A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 – A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 – A picture of the person you do the most outrageous things with.
Day 11 – A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 – A picture of something you love.
Day 13 – A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 – A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 – A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 – A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 – A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 – A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 – A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 – A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.
Day 21 – A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 – A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 – A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 – A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 – A picture of your day.
Day 26 – A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 – A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 – A picture of something you’re afraid of.
Day 29 – A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 – A picture of someone you miss.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Get comfy, this is going to be meaty.
Alright. I've got so much shit flying in my head, I have no idea where to start. Lets just throw out some bullet-point worthy things and streamline the process as we go.
Defeat. Self-worth. Direction. Future. Present.
For those that know me can vouch, almost instantly, that I am usually an upbeat and outgoing person. I almost always try to look on the brighter side of every scenario and aim to gravitate to that very point. This past forever has been taking a beating. I've slowly become less optimistic about life and my general path in it. Still, I push others strongly to obtain greatness, because its what I always expect of people. I hold them on a high pedestal and always tell them to aim higher because I know they can. I reinvigorate people and, to the best of my abilities, reignite the flames of passion and drive. Motivation can be one hell of a driving force, and can really create amazing things. Doing this makes me happy and has always made me happy. Just like JD Salinger's Catcher, I'd be more than happy being the one left behind to elevate others upward. While I try to selflessly do so, I know deep down that I'd like someone to do the very same for me. Simple words can spark great fires, and I think thats what I need. I want that without having to say a damn thing. Part of me feels that balancing school and work is stretching myself too thin. The other part says the critical comments from family drag me down and keep me from climbing. The whole completeness of me says I should take steps to better myself and transcend the fuck out of this bad place. Sometimes, we just don't know where to start. Sometimes, we just need someone who's been through this dark valley to give us words. Simple, complex, profound, astute.
Defeat. Self-worth. Direction. Future. Present.
Defeat. I fucking hate defeat. Its a shitty feeling, and granted, I haven't been one to be humble in my victories. I think school fits perfectly here. I recently started attending Cisco College. Small Podunk town, really 'small-time' to say the least. Any who, I thought I'd be doing great in school. My drive was at a high, I was truly ready to make it my bitch. But, as I am writing this, obviously I've become its bitch. Math has blindsided me, English's pacing is at a crawl, Psych is weathering me down. The only class I am doing remotely well in this semester is Government. This painful realization didn't come to be until today. I attended class, as I usually do, and was surprised to find we had another test. Instantly, I felt this cloud of darkness swell and grow above me. Sitting down, pencil in hand, I make eye contact with the professor. Our eyes say what I'd like to say, "I sure hope I do decently well on this test." I don't. At least, I think I didn't. As I was bubbling in those answers, I couldn't help but feel it was a reflection of life, scratching and clawing only to find failure in every avenue. To say that I felt heavy-hearted and swollen with a passive rage would be putting it lightly. Every step I took to the car felt heavier and heavier. I was struck with an emotional strep throat; no words, no sounds, no positiveness, just heavy. I sat in my car for a few minutes, soaking in what just happened. Another failure. I was overcome with the feeling of emptiness. The pain caused by the emptiness couldn't compare to being shot or killed. It was a pain that burn the soul. .I'm not even going to lie, my eyes started to get misty, while my MachoMan mindset tried its best to hold it all in. One single thought kept playing over and over; complete and utter failure. I felt broken and inadequate.
I could blame my shitty performance on work, while arduous and menial, I know its not the case. Ultimately, I feel it comes down to me. Yes, I do lack adequate time for rest and unwinding, but its just how I adapted to life in Texas. The time I should be studying is spent lying in bed, slowly unwinding and procrastination. I KNOW I should be studying, but I always put it off, and think “I've got all tomorrow to do so.” I've come to see that procrastination as my major downfall. I spend that time talking to pretty girls, looking up parts for my bicycle, researching the pros and cons of possible cars I'd like to own, and other random shit. I hate that I do that, but to the same degree, it's the only real release I've got. My uncle was right in saying how fast time flies. My days and nights have blended into one seamless event. Rather than measuring time in hours, I've started measuring it with periods of being fully conscious. If I am awake, I should be doing XYZ. If I am sleeping, I should be resting. I live the life of a robot. Mundane, drawn out, and uneventful. The lack of excitement and “new” has gotten to me. Its seen in my deteriorated work ethic and scholastic endeavors.
Hand in hand, my self-worth has also decreased. I don't feel as productive as I used to be. I don't contribute to the grand design of life in my eyes, and I see myself as dead weight. I know I am far from dead weight, but its a feeling I can't shake. I've felt this way for a REALLY long time, I've just been really amazing at hiding the fact. I see my brothers and sisters and compare myself and critique myself to them. Pheak, my immediate older brother, owns his own house, completed school, is a realtor, owns 3 cars, and lives on his own. He is standing on his own two feet where as I am still crawling. The only thing I really have over him is my full head of hair; he trumps me in just about every other aspect. Its something I despise and love about him. Southerly/Turbo/Soturbo/Turbie, my immediate older sister. I love her to death. We get each other. She's been out of college, she's working in her field, she's living on her own, supporting the creature we call Soaps, known to others as our little sister. She's been standing on her own two feet, and soon, shall be using those feet to relocate to SanFran for bigger and better opportunities. SisterSo, the eldest of the pack. She's paid her dues and is doing nothing but profiting from hard work. She flies around the world, she started her own company, and is enjoying the life. Paul, the eldest brother. He's got his kids, his baby momma, and work. He's making ends meet, ensuring his family has that roof over his head and are well fed. Soaps, she's wrapping up school at UCLA. I always make fun of her and her retardedness mainly because I know she's far from. What she lacks in common sense, she makes up in applied selective intelligence. Sure, she may not be the prettiest ogre, but one day, she'll make that blind behemoth a happy man. She's on her way to making her mark in the world. Where do I fit in this puzzle of life? What path have I set for myself and what steps am I taking to fulfill this self-actuating goal? Its a question I subliminally ask daily, and also inactively search for an answer.
Hand in hand, my self-worth has also decreased. I don't feel as productive as I used to be. I don't contribute to the grand design of life in my eyes, and I see myself as dead weight. I know I am far from dead weight, but its a feeling I can't shake. I've felt this way for a REALLY long time, I've just been really amazing at hiding the fact. I see my brothers and sisters and compare myself and critique myself to them. Pheak, my immediate older brother, owns his own house, completed school, is a realtor, owns 3 cars, and lives on his own. He is standing on his own two feet where as I am still crawling. The only thing I really have over him is my full head of hair; he trumps me in just about every other aspect. Its something I despise and love about him. Southerly/Turbo/Soturbo/Turbie, my immediate older sister. I love her to death. We get each other. She's been out of college, she's working in her field, she's living on her own, supporting the creature we call Soaps, known to others as our little sister. She's been standing on her own two feet, and soon, shall be using those feet to relocate to SanFran for bigger and better opportunities. SisterSo, the eldest of the pack. She's paid her dues and is doing nothing but profiting from hard work. She flies around the world, she started her own company, and is enjoying the life. Paul, the eldest brother. He's got his kids, his baby momma, and work. He's making ends meet, ensuring his family has that roof over his head and are well fed. Soaps, she's wrapping up school at UCLA. I always make fun of her and her retardedness mainly because I know she's far from. What she lacks in common sense, she makes up in applied selective intelligence. Sure, she may not be the prettiest ogre, but one day, she'll make that blind behemoth a happy man. She's on her way to making her mark in the world. Where do I fit in this puzzle of life? What path have I set for myself and what steps am I taking to fulfill this self-actuating goal? Its a question I subliminally ask daily, and also inactively search for an answer.
Where will I be in 20 years? Hell, where will I be in 5? I find myself dreaming of an amazing future. Happy family, happy wife, everything a man could hope for! But again comes the painful realization that the fruits of my labor, as is, will not get me that dream, far from. Continuing on this seemingly downward plateau, at best, I'd own my own shop. That would be settling, and as such, I am not a fan. The future scares the shit out of me. For one, it means growing up. I'm more than happy with the aspect of self-discovery and broadening horizons on the subject of growing up, but the part that really gets me about maturing is growing apart. It hasn't been a full year since I've left California, but I miss the living shit out of my brother and sisters. I never knew how big a role they played in my daily life until now. Yea, I got shit from them all the time, but it was their own unique way of saying 'Hey motherfucker. I do care for you, and I want you to get your shit together, but as we are, tough love.” I know that we'll all grow apart, slowly, but surely. The eldest sister moved away for a few years during the Ill-Father era, and I feel, it felt like a decade. We're not the same as we used to be with her. The eldest brother was shipped off to live with mother for what seems like a decade. We rarely talk, and when we do, its short. I don't want our family to be this way. Me and Turbo talk regularly, and sporadically with the others. I want a cohesive tight knit family, like how we were back before all of it turned into a bad dream.
In reflecting on the future, I often stare at my feet. Keeping myself grounded is a hard task. I don't believe that I am doing anything to really better my situation save for attempting school for the trillionth time. I always seem to have an excuse, and just how I am, easily persuade others into seeing my situational blight. While my position may not be the worst, it doesn't mean its not bad. Getting stuck in a rut without any foreseeable exits or fragments of hope is a really bad place to be. Idle time leads to idle thoughts, and so, being stuck here, I've created my very own black cloud. In doing so, I've slightly shifted in the man I want to be to the man that becomes undone.
For those that know me can vouch, almost instantly, that I am usually an upbeat and outgoing person. I almost always try to look on the brighter side of every scenario and aim to gravitate to that very point. This past forever has been taking a beating. I've slowly become less optimistic about life and my general path in it. Still, I push others strongly to obtain greatness, because its what I always expect of people. I hold them on a high pedestal and always tell them to aim higher because I know they can. I reinvigorate people and, to the best of my abilities, reignite the flames of passion and drive. Motivation can be one hell of a driving force, and can really create amazing things. Doing this makes me happy and has always made me happy. Just like JD Salinger's Catcher, I'd be more than happy being the one left behind to elevate others upward. While I try to selflessly do so, I know deep down that I'd like someone to do the very same for me. Simple words can spark great fires, and I think thats what I need. I want that without having to say a damn thing. Part of me feels that balancing school and work is stretching myself too thin. The other part says the critical comments from family drag me down and keep me from climbing. The whole completeness of me says I should take steps to better myself and transcend the fuck out of this bad place. Sometimes, we just don't know where to start. Sometimes, we just need someone who's been through this dark valley to give us words. Simple, complex, profound, astute.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Suns up, birds chirping, all is well.
Bright sunny days. I've missed how radiant the sun is. I see the sun rise everyday, but I don't think i've allowed myself to really take in the beauty of it all. Maybe it might have been my state of mind, or the passing thoughts of company that clog my mind, but I feel I might be over that.
Actually, more likely, I am ready to be over it. Sometimes you fall. You pick yourself up. Sometimes when you fall, someone helps you up.
She's kind of cool. She's kind of a bitch. I can't tell which side makes me smile more.
Friday, September 24, 2010
whoops.
Man. You see a problem, you dismiss it, and it grows. Gradually that tiny little rock receives the force it needs to start rolling, slowly at first, it build momentum. The rock keeps on rolling, picking up debris as it continues on its downward path. You just stand there, idly, watching, seeing what will happen. Deep down, you know, but you remain vigilant in your adamant mindset, "this won't effect me."
You could have made your thoughts become actions, and picked that damn pebble up, and thrown that shit into outer space, but alas, you opted for inaction. That rock became a fucking boulder, destroying all shreds of humanity in its path.
"Man, if only I had done something."
Guess what pal, you didn't. Its a mistake you're going to have to cope with. You're going to have to admit you fucked up, and you fucked up good. If shitting piles of fecal matter were a sport, baby, you'd hit gold in all events. You had it all man. Now look at you. That freedom you so happily coveted shat on you too. You're a fragment of the man you once were, or what you envisioned yourself to be.
Fall from grace.
I miss hotpocket.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Destiny versus Fate.
Destiny or Fate. Which is more powerful and inspiring? Would you like to believe that the world is laid out for you, predetermined and awaiting your actions and inaction; Do you see life as an open canvas, to will what may be as you see fit?
I've always been one to TRY and be optimistic about life, and have viewed it as such. Ultimately, you are the master of your own destiny. Such opportunities are not immediate; They are not placed in front of you. Through a series of events and lack there of, fractions of seemingly coincidental probabilities are calculated. The accumulation of these in turn, become a moment. These defining moments are the critical ones. A missed shot could potentially snowball into a catastrophe. Well, thats what I like to think anyways. I think I over exaggerate these things in my head. Life isn't one big cosmic game of What-If, though I wish it were.
I'm getting sidetracked.
On to the main point. Life has thrown all of us our fair share of curveballs - deaths in the family, deception, impoverish living, the circumstances go on. Ultimately, it comes down to how you deal with it. Everyone's got a plan, but plans go out the door when you're hit, and it is exactly what has happened to me.
I'm finding that living on your own, if you would call my existence even that, sucks. You constantly need to push and push and push. In this day and age, most of those pushes will be against solid walls of FUCKYOU. Getting a break of any sort has become a numbers game, and its one aspect I've always hated. I've been unemployed for a length of time, and I've got to hand it to myself, I sure know how to have a lack of drive. Part of me feels that school might not be the best option AT THE MOMENT, but somewhere along the lines, it will fall into place. At present, I should be finding a job to sustain, but being honest, I am not trying as hard as I need to be.
Fastforwarding through all the bullshit and "I'm a victim of circumstance", I'm finding California is wasteland. I can not seem to survive as I had hoped, and I feel I might be taking the easy way out. I'm temporarily taking a leave of absence from the wonderful burning and diminished state of California to ford my way to Texas.
What is waiting in Texas you ask?
Survival. Its something to hold me off, to make me feel like I'm worth something. At the moment, I am not contributing to anything here. The move will get me out of certain individual's hair, albeit for a few months, long enough to come back and be productive. Some say this is a temporary bandaid and I couldn't agree more. If you were bleeding profusely, and you saw no aid in sight, would you simply just bleed out and die, or try and prevent any more hemorrhaging and hold out for options? This is what I feel I am doing. By taking this break, I hope to get re-motivated and respark that fire inside as well as create a cushion for my return. A few months away working to come back with some leeway is a great thing.
There was no overshadowing tone or subject in this particular entry, just a random rant. I don't like that too much.
I've always been one to TRY and be optimistic about life, and have viewed it as such. Ultimately, you are the master of your own destiny. Such opportunities are not immediate; They are not placed in front of you. Through a series of events and lack there of, fractions of seemingly coincidental probabilities are calculated. The accumulation of these in turn, become a moment. These defining moments are the critical ones. A missed shot could potentially snowball into a catastrophe. Well, thats what I like to think anyways. I think I over exaggerate these things in my head. Life isn't one big cosmic game of What-If, though I wish it were.
I'm getting sidetracked.
On to the main point. Life has thrown all of us our fair share of curveballs - deaths in the family, deception, impoverish living, the circumstances go on. Ultimately, it comes down to how you deal with it. Everyone's got a plan, but plans go out the door when you're hit, and it is exactly what has happened to me.
I'm finding that living on your own, if you would call my existence even that, sucks. You constantly need to push and push and push. In this day and age, most of those pushes will be against solid walls of FUCKYOU. Getting a break of any sort has become a numbers game, and its one aspect I've always hated. I've been unemployed for a length of time, and I've got to hand it to myself, I sure know how to have a lack of drive. Part of me feels that school might not be the best option AT THE MOMENT, but somewhere along the lines, it will fall into place. At present, I should be finding a job to sustain, but being honest, I am not trying as hard as I need to be.
Fastforwarding through all the bullshit and "I'm a victim of circumstance", I'm finding California is wasteland. I can not seem to survive as I had hoped, and I feel I might be taking the easy way out. I'm temporarily taking a leave of absence from the wonderful burning and diminished state of California to ford my way to Texas.
What is waiting in Texas you ask?
Survival. Its something to hold me off, to make me feel like I'm worth something. At the moment, I am not contributing to anything here. The move will get me out of certain individual's hair, albeit for a few months, long enough to come back and be productive. Some say this is a temporary bandaid and I couldn't agree more. If you were bleeding profusely, and you saw no aid in sight, would you simply just bleed out and die, or try and prevent any more hemorrhaging and hold out for options? This is what I feel I am doing. By taking this break, I hope to get re-motivated and respark that fire inside as well as create a cushion for my return. A few months away working to come back with some leeway is a great thing.
There was no overshadowing tone or subject in this particular entry, just a random rant. I don't like that too much.
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