Defeat. Self-worth. Direction. Future. Present.
Defeat. I fucking hate defeat. Its a shitty feeling, and granted, I haven't been one to be humble in my victories. I think school fits perfectly here. I recently started attending Cisco College. Small Podunk town, really 'small-time' to say the least. Any who, I thought I'd be doing great in school. My drive was at a high, I was truly ready to make it my bitch. But, as I am writing this, obviously I've become its bitch. Math has blindsided me, English's pacing is at a crawl, Psych is weathering me down. The only class I am doing remotely well in this semester is Government. This painful realization didn't come to be until today. I attended class, as I usually do, and was surprised to find we had another test. Instantly, I felt this cloud of darkness swell and grow above me. Sitting down, pencil in hand, I make eye contact with the professor. Our eyes say what I'd like to say, "I sure hope I do decently well on this test." I don't. At least, I think I didn't. As I was bubbling in those answers, I couldn't help but feel it was a reflection of life, scratching and clawing only to find failure in every avenue. To say that I felt heavy-hearted and swollen with a passive rage would be putting it lightly. Every step I took to the car felt heavier and heavier. I was struck with an emotional strep throat; no words, no sounds, no positiveness, just heavy. I sat in my car for a few minutes, soaking in what just happened. Another failure. I was overcome with the feeling of emptiness. The pain caused by the emptiness couldn't compare to being shot or killed. It was a pain that burn the soul. .I'm not even going to lie, my eyes started to get misty, while my MachoMan mindset tried its best to hold it all in. One single thought kept playing over and over; complete and utter failure. I felt broken and inadequate.
I could blame my shitty performance on work, while arduous and menial, I know its not the case. Ultimately, I feel it comes down to me. Yes, I do lack adequate time for rest and unwinding, but its just how I adapted to life in Texas. The time I should be studying is spent lying in bed, slowly unwinding and procrastination. I KNOW I should be studying, but I always put it off, and think “I've got all tomorrow to do so.” I've come to see that procrastination as my major downfall. I spend that time talking to pretty girls, looking up parts for my bicycle, researching the pros and cons of possible cars I'd like to own, and other random shit. I hate that I do that, but to the same degree, it's the only real release I've got. My uncle was right in saying how fast time flies. My days and nights have blended into one seamless event. Rather than measuring time in hours, I've started measuring it with periods of being fully conscious. If I am awake, I should be doing XYZ. If I am sleeping, I should be resting. I live the life of a robot. Mundane, drawn out, and uneventful. The lack of excitement and “new” has gotten to me. Its seen in my deteriorated work ethic and scholastic endeavors.
Hand in hand, my self-worth has also decreased. I don't feel as productive as I used to be. I don't contribute to the grand design of life in my eyes, and I see myself as dead weight. I know I am far from dead weight, but its a feeling I can't shake. I've felt this way for a REALLY long time, I've just been really amazing at hiding the fact. I see my brothers and sisters and compare myself and critique myself to them. Pheak, my immediate older brother, owns his own house, completed school, is a realtor, owns 3 cars, and lives on his own. He is standing on his own two feet where as I am still crawling. The only thing I really have over him is my full head of hair; he trumps me in just about every other aspect. Its something I despise and love about him. Southerly/Turbo/Soturbo/Turbie, my immediate older sister. I love her to death. We get each other. She's been out of college, she's working in her field, she's living on her own, supporting the creature we call Soaps, known to others as our little sister. She's been standing on her own two feet, and soon, shall be using those feet to relocate to SanFran for bigger and better opportunities. SisterSo, the eldest of the pack. She's paid her dues and is doing nothing but profiting from hard work. She flies around the world, she started her own company, and is enjoying the life. Paul, the eldest brother. He's got his kids, his baby momma, and work. He's making ends meet, ensuring his family has that roof over his head and are well fed. Soaps, she's wrapping up school at UCLA. I always make fun of her and her retardedness mainly because I know she's far from. What she lacks in common sense, she makes up in applied selective intelligence. Sure, she may not be the prettiest ogre, but one day, she'll make that blind behemoth a happy man. She's on her way to making her mark in the world. Where do I fit in this puzzle of life? What path have I set for myself and what steps am I taking to fulfill this self-actuating goal? Its a question I subliminally ask daily, and also inactively search for an answer.
Hand in hand, my self-worth has also decreased. I don't feel as productive as I used to be. I don't contribute to the grand design of life in my eyes, and I see myself as dead weight. I know I am far from dead weight, but its a feeling I can't shake. I've felt this way for a REALLY long time, I've just been really amazing at hiding the fact. I see my brothers and sisters and compare myself and critique myself to them. Pheak, my immediate older brother, owns his own house, completed school, is a realtor, owns 3 cars, and lives on his own. He is standing on his own two feet where as I am still crawling. The only thing I really have over him is my full head of hair; he trumps me in just about every other aspect. Its something I despise and love about him. Southerly/Turbo/Soturbo/Turbie, my immediate older sister. I love her to death. We get each other. She's been out of college, she's working in her field, she's living on her own, supporting the creature we call Soaps, known to others as our little sister. She's been standing on her own two feet, and soon, shall be using those feet to relocate to SanFran for bigger and better opportunities. SisterSo, the eldest of the pack. She's paid her dues and is doing nothing but profiting from hard work. She flies around the world, she started her own company, and is enjoying the life. Paul, the eldest brother. He's got his kids, his baby momma, and work. He's making ends meet, ensuring his family has that roof over his head and are well fed. Soaps, she's wrapping up school at UCLA. I always make fun of her and her retardedness mainly because I know she's far from. What she lacks in common sense, she makes up in applied selective intelligence. Sure, she may not be the prettiest ogre, but one day, she'll make that blind behemoth a happy man. She's on her way to making her mark in the world. Where do I fit in this puzzle of life? What path have I set for myself and what steps am I taking to fulfill this self-actuating goal? Its a question I subliminally ask daily, and also inactively search for an answer.
Where will I be in 20 years? Hell, where will I be in 5? I find myself dreaming of an amazing future. Happy family, happy wife, everything a man could hope for! But again comes the painful realization that the fruits of my labor, as is, will not get me that dream, far from. Continuing on this seemingly downward plateau, at best, I'd own my own shop. That would be settling, and as such, I am not a fan. The future scares the shit out of me. For one, it means growing up. I'm more than happy with the aspect of self-discovery and broadening horizons on the subject of growing up, but the part that really gets me about maturing is growing apart. It hasn't been a full year since I've left California, but I miss the living shit out of my brother and sisters. I never knew how big a role they played in my daily life until now. Yea, I got shit from them all the time, but it was their own unique way of saying 'Hey motherfucker. I do care for you, and I want you to get your shit together, but as we are, tough love.” I know that we'll all grow apart, slowly, but surely. The eldest sister moved away for a few years during the Ill-Father era, and I feel, it felt like a decade. We're not the same as we used to be with her. The eldest brother was shipped off to live with mother for what seems like a decade. We rarely talk, and when we do, its short. I don't want our family to be this way. Me and Turbo talk regularly, and sporadically with the others. I want a cohesive tight knit family, like how we were back before all of it turned into a bad dream.
In reflecting on the future, I often stare at my feet. Keeping myself grounded is a hard task. I don't believe that I am doing anything to really better my situation save for attempting school for the trillionth time. I always seem to have an excuse, and just how I am, easily persuade others into seeing my situational blight. While my position may not be the worst, it doesn't mean its not bad. Getting stuck in a rut without any foreseeable exits or fragments of hope is a really bad place to be. Idle time leads to idle thoughts, and so, being stuck here, I've created my very own black cloud. In doing so, I've slightly shifted in the man I want to be to the man that becomes undone.
For those that know me can vouch, almost instantly, that I am usually an upbeat and outgoing person. I almost always try to look on the brighter side of every scenario and aim to gravitate to that very point. This past forever has been taking a beating. I've slowly become less optimistic about life and my general path in it. Still, I push others strongly to obtain greatness, because its what I always expect of people. I hold them on a high pedestal and always tell them to aim higher because I know they can. I reinvigorate people and, to the best of my abilities, reignite the flames of passion and drive. Motivation can be one hell of a driving force, and can really create amazing things. Doing this makes me happy and has always made me happy. Just like JD Salinger's Catcher, I'd be more than happy being the one left behind to elevate others upward. While I try to selflessly do so, I know deep down that I'd like someone to do the very same for me. Simple words can spark great fires, and I think thats what I need. I want that without having to say a damn thing. Part of me feels that balancing school and work is stretching myself too thin. The other part says the critical comments from family drag me down and keep me from climbing. The whole completeness of me says I should take steps to better myself and transcend the fuck out of this bad place. Sometimes, we just don't know where to start. Sometimes, we just need someone who's been through this dark valley to give us words. Simple, complex, profound, astute.
