Destiny versus Fate.

Destiny or Fate. Which is more powerful and inspiring? Would you like to believe that the world is laid out for you, predetermined and awaiting your actions and inaction; Do you see life as an open canvas, to will what may be as you see fit?

I've always been one to TRY and be optimistic about life, and have viewed it as such. Ultimately, you are the master of your own destiny. Such opportunities are not immediate; They are not placed in front of you. Through a series of events and lack there of, fractions of seemingly coincidental probabilities are calculated. The accumulation of these in turn, become a moment. These defining moments are the critical ones. A missed shot could potentially snowball into a catastrophe. Well, thats what I like to think anyways. I think I over exaggerate these things in my head. Life isn't one big cosmic game of What-If, though I wish it were.

I'm getting sidetracked.

On to the main point. Life has thrown all of us our fair share of curveballs - deaths in the family, deception, impoverish living, the circumstances go on. Ultimately, it comes down to how you deal with it. Everyone's got a plan, but plans go out the door when you're hit, and it is exactly what has happened to me.

I'm finding that living on your own, if you would call my existence even that, sucks. You constantly need to push and push and push. In this day and age, most of those pushes will be against solid walls of FUCKYOU. Getting a break of any sort has become a numbers game, and its one aspect I've always hated. I've been unemployed for a length of time, and I've got to hand it to myself, I sure know how to have a lack of drive. Part of me feels that school might not be the best option AT THE MOMENT, but somewhere along the lines, it will fall into place. At present, I should be finding a job to sustain, but being honest, I am not trying as hard as I need to be.

Fastforwarding through all the bullshit and "I'm a victim of circumstance", I'm finding California is wasteland. I can not seem to survive as I had hoped, and I feel I might be taking the easy way out. I'm temporarily taking a leave of absence from the wonderful burning and diminished state of California to ford my way to Texas.

What is waiting in Texas you ask?

Survival. Its something to hold me off, to make me feel like I'm worth something. At the moment, I am not contributing to anything here. The move will get me out of certain individual's hair, albeit for a few months, long enough to come back and be productive. Some say this is a temporary bandaid and I couldn't agree more. If you were bleeding profusely, and you saw no aid in sight, would you simply just bleed out and die, or try and prevent any more hemorrhaging and hold out for options? This is what I feel I am doing. By taking this break, I hope to get re-motivated and respark that fire inside as well as create a cushion for my return. A few months away working to come back with some leeway is a great thing.

There was no overshadowing tone or subject in this particular entry, just a random rant. I don't like that too much.