whoops.

Man. You see a problem, you dismiss it, and it grows. Gradually that tiny little rock receives the force it needs to start rolling, slowly at first, it build momentum. The rock keeps on rolling, picking up debris as it continues on its downward path. You just stand there, idly, watching, seeing what will happen. Deep down, you know, but you remain vigilant in your adamant mindset, "this won't effect me."

You could have made your thoughts become actions, and picked that damn pebble up, and thrown that shit into outer space, but alas, you opted for inaction. That rock became a fucking boulder, destroying all shreds of humanity in its path.

"Man, if only I had done something."

Guess what pal, you didn't. Its a mistake you're going to have to cope with. You're going to have to admit you fucked up, and you fucked up good. If shitting piles of fecal matter were a sport, baby, you'd hit gold in all events. You had it all man. Now look at you. That freedom you so happily coveted shat on you too. You're a fragment of the man you once were, or what you envisioned yourself to be.

Fall from grace.

I miss hotpocket.

Destiny versus Fate.

Destiny or Fate. Which is more powerful and inspiring? Would you like to believe that the world is laid out for you, predetermined and awaiting your actions and inaction; Do you see life as an open canvas, to will what may be as you see fit?

I've always been one to TRY and be optimistic about life, and have viewed it as such. Ultimately, you are the master of your own destiny. Such opportunities are not immediate; They are not placed in front of you. Through a series of events and lack there of, fractions of seemingly coincidental probabilities are calculated. The accumulation of these in turn, become a moment. These defining moments are the critical ones. A missed shot could potentially snowball into a catastrophe. Well, thats what I like to think anyways. I think I over exaggerate these things in my head. Life isn't one big cosmic game of What-If, though I wish it were.

I'm getting sidetracked.

On to the main point. Life has thrown all of us our fair share of curveballs - deaths in the family, deception, impoverish living, the circumstances go on. Ultimately, it comes down to how you deal with it. Everyone's got a plan, but plans go out the door when you're hit, and it is exactly what has happened to me.

I'm finding that living on your own, if you would call my existence even that, sucks. You constantly need to push and push and push. In this day and age, most of those pushes will be against solid walls of FUCKYOU. Getting a break of any sort has become a numbers game, and its one aspect I've always hated. I've been unemployed for a length of time, and I've got to hand it to myself, I sure know how to have a lack of drive. Part of me feels that school might not be the best option AT THE MOMENT, but somewhere along the lines, it will fall into place. At present, I should be finding a job to sustain, but being honest, I am not trying as hard as I need to be.

Fastforwarding through all the bullshit and "I'm a victim of circumstance", I'm finding California is wasteland. I can not seem to survive as I had hoped, and I feel I might be taking the easy way out. I'm temporarily taking a leave of absence from the wonderful burning and diminished state of California to ford my way to Texas.

What is waiting in Texas you ask?

Survival. Its something to hold me off, to make me feel like I'm worth something. At the moment, I am not contributing to anything here. The move will get me out of certain individual's hair, albeit for a few months, long enough to come back and be productive. Some say this is a temporary bandaid and I couldn't agree more. If you were bleeding profusely, and you saw no aid in sight, would you simply just bleed out and die, or try and prevent any more hemorrhaging and hold out for options? This is what I feel I am doing. By taking this break, I hope to get re-motivated and respark that fire inside as well as create a cushion for my return. A few months away working to come back with some leeway is a great thing.

There was no overshadowing tone or subject in this particular entry, just a random rant. I don't like that too much.

Funny

I've been so wrapped up in the bullshit details of life and nothing, I've forgotten who I was.

Schools done with.

Life seems to move regardless.

I've become mundane.

I hate that part the most. I am not interesting anymore.

Change. Is. Needed.

Turning Point

So times are a' changin'. People are growing, people are finding direction in their lives. Kids will be kids, but kids can't always be kids. Hey YOU, yea! GROW SOME!

My brother wants to keep on the keeping on and get a house with his girlfriend. I don't intend to be a dick or anything, but to be quite honest, I had such a high expectation for him. Class valedictorian, honors up the wazoo, ASB, Tennis captain. I mean, to me, he always had a leading role. He is a pompous ass, but sometimes leaders needed to be hard to get the point across. Comparing his PreGF self to him now, he would've kicked his own ass for being such a bitch. He's settling, which isn't always a bad thing, but shit, if its in your face, why not push?

Funny, because that very same rant can be applied to all of us. Why has our drive been cut short? Why has the fire dimmed?

I too feel that I was once an ambitious chap. I kept striving for more. I didn't like to settle. I got my eyes on a goal, and I can truly say there was NEVER a wasted effort. Well, maybe small detours to revitalize, but none the less, it was towards that same goal. Shit happens, and PresentDay Soch isn't the same. I've plateaued and its not somewhere fun.

Well, the winds of change are blowing, and I'm setting my sail. My new resolve to change this workout called life has started. I'm glad to be moving in with my sisters. I've always been close, but the looming doubts of the possibility of sullying our relationship made me hesitant. After a nice long talk whilst moving a heavier-than-shit fridge, Terri and I both expressed our concerns about the move, the excitement I bring to the picture, and the future of the family. Its something I'm REALLY looking forward too, and I don't normally capitalize the word 'really.'

On an ending note, I found that my sisters and I all love the same point in that one song by Taylor Swift. Where she rhymes 'that' with 'that.' Something about her vocalization.

Everyone needs to update their blogs, seriously. Like I'm someone to talk. =)

UGHH.

I'm going to die today. Its been a pretty beefy 3 days. Tough, right?

MAN UP BIG BABY!

I gotta bust this paper out, but with the lack of a book for citation, I can only BS so much.

I'm not gonna lie, when I get home from school, i'm knocking out ASAP.

Oh yea!

To all the lovely ladies in my life, thank you for being there.

You ladies compliment the living crap out of my life, and are awesome in your own radical ways.

To the doods that I surround myself with,

The gangbang will be at my house, 4pm sharp.

BYO Lube.

I fell out of blogging. I'm falling back into it.

Yea. Consistently blogging is a pretty hard task. You've already gotta balance your life, reminding yourself about all the little intricate details. Reminding yourself to blog is one that isn't a high priority, but is still something you look forward to, even if its MONTHS later.

So whats the Beeh's knees? Well, after a nice and lengthy talk with the family, I will be moving to...
LA TRICK! Its not to say things aren't panning out with the brother, its more along the lines of him keeping up with the Cambodian equivalent of the Joneses, likely to be the Chans, or Kims. Buying his own home, regardless of how desolate the surrounding area is. Its all the better for him I guess. He'll have his two friends, his battle-ax of a companion, and all the dirt and empty space he could ever want! I'm sure it'll be like MadMax every single day for him. I actually AM jealous. Did you see how cool they dressed in MadMax? Leather's making a comeback, ferr sherr!

In other news, schools back in session! I'm totally excited, while I do sometimes seem enthused about the teacher's curriculum or style. Still, honing my writing skills is always something I look forward to, not just for academic purposes either. I mean, you never know when you'll have to find the right wording to express your feelings towards your elderly neighbor's lewd advances. But really, being one step closer to getting that degree, however late, is still a great feeling.

---------

Yo MOMMA!

The Girlie and I had a nice talk about things a ways back. It covered family, friends, future, but the big thing that stuck was my Mother's role in my life. As many of you folks know, I really didn't have a motherly figure as a child, and it's had its effects on my life as an Adult (or a lame excuse for one). I adapt quickly with women, like a kid yearning for his mother. I'm striving for my mother's acceptance subliminally. While Junky was trying to voice this as logically as possible, I couldn't help but get a bit heated. I mean, she was attacking me, and above all else, my mother! And thats when it really made sense.

What reasons do I really have to truly love my mother? Besides the fact she gave me life, what else has she contributed to my development as a man? Why should I want her acceptance when she left the Kids high and dry?

I know what I've got to change - that desire to be loved by her. As saddening as it sounds, it really isn't as twisted as you may think. By way of me "moving on", I can really step into my own as an individual, I can really be my own man instead of trying to please her, as funny as that sounds. Living through Proxy. I'll expand later.

Now, all of you folks need to update! MicroBlogging (Twitter) doesn't count!